Legendary crashout incoming
From when I was around 13 up until I was 18 years old, I played a lot of World of Warcraft. I started playing during Legion, arguably the worst time you could have possibly started playing the game. WoW was at its relative peak, and it would only be downhill from there, but that's besides the point. For most of those 4-5 years, I played healer. Healers in WoW, as well as any game which uses that kind of role division, absolute sucks to play. Don't get me wrong, from a gameplay perspective it's fun, but typically it's more stress than what it's worth. While some games are better than others, WoW was by far the worst in terms of it's healing experience.
Throughout my healing experience, but especially at the beginning while I was learning the ropes of the game, I experienced a lot of "bullying" lets say. WoW players get really passionate about their fake numbers, so when a new healer comes in and they're playing one of the worst specs in the meta currently, and you wipe on a trash pull, you tend to hear a lot in insults and yelling. I didn't just hear this from strangers on the internet, often times I would hear this from friends I was in voice chat with too. Now, I'm a pretty insecure person, needless to say, so this kind of trash talking really used to get to me. I despised WoW, and video games in general for that matter, for this reason. It felt like whatever I played, whether that be WoW or League of Legends or whatever multiplayer shooter was relevant at the time, I was met with harassment for my lack of skill. I never really cared about being good at video games, and as a matter of fact it's something I actively avoid, but especially when you're in the role of healer, and you have the social responsibility of keeping your team alive, the weight of the disappointment I felt in these moments really hit me hard.
These moments have obviously left a deep mark on me. As a full disclosure, here and now, I don't exactly view trash talking, similar to the kind I experienced, as being "rude" or "obnoxious", it feels almost as a natural part of conversing with people for me at this point. There was a time when I would have been astonished to hear myself say that, because I used to rightfully view that sort of speech as unnecessary and vulgar. But now, if I'm being honest, it feels like retribution for the pain that I had to endure at such a sensitive moment of my life. I've been desensitized towards it. But really, I think there's a much deeper reason to why it has become such a habit for me.
We're taking it up a few notches here. This is something I've been wanting to get off my chest for a very long time now. I've fantasized about this conversation for years; the moment where I would finally bear my soul to the world. Sorry if this next part is a bit dramatic. And as a forewarning, I'm not writing this to garner sympathy. I don't want sympathy. I just feel as if I need to be honest and fully explain myself.
I've struggled with loneliness for a very long time now. The dreadful, empty kind of loneliness. Yes, I have friends, sure, and that's more than a lot of people can say, but that's not the kind of loneliness I mean. I can't relate to other people. I desperately want to, but everyone feels so radically different from myself, so I can't. It's not just merely having different interests, I feel like I might as well be an entirely different species of animal. The best way I can describe it is to imagine that you've been dropped in the middle of country whose language you cannot speak. No one understands you. Even if you wanted to ask for help, how would you communicate that to anyone? Surrounded by people, but no one to talk to.
Pretty cringe, I know, so I apologize again if you actually read any of that. Back to the plot. As you can imagine, things can get pretty frustrating for me sometimes. Most of the time, I don't know how to properly express myself. Maybe that's autism or something, I'm not sure. Like I said, enough self pity. Now, it just so happens that due to the circumstances of my brain chemistry (see Part 1), I happen to release this frustration in the form of anger sometimes. When my roommate invites people over, and I so desperately wish that I could be involved, to feel like people want me in the room, but I can't, and they don't, and since I can't socialize because I don't know how, I get angry. Maybe jealous is a better word. Or, for a more relevant example, if I'm arguing with someone, and I can't possibly think of any other way to get this person to understand me, I get angry. It's another reminder of how little I have in common with everyone else around me. I just want people to think the way I do. I want to feel like I'm not some insane, schizophrenic loser.
I argue with myself over whether this emotion is rooted in some weird selfishness or not. Maybe it is. Let me know in the comments! I don't have a good answer. Is it reasonable to expect others to be more like me? Am I setting too high standards for other people? Have I brought this plague upon myself? Regardless of what I do, I only slip further away. My freshman year of college, one school night both my roommates were up around midnight, playing a game together (I can't remember what game), while I was trying to go to sleep (I had a class at 8:30 in the morning). I remember laying there, upset not at their incessant and, frankly, immature yelling, but rather that the two of them, in that moment, had connected over something that I wasn't, and couldn't be involved in. It was the first time I realize that I had almost nothing in common with the two people who were my best friends for years. I had a pretty bad panic attack that night, causing me to run out of the room and walk around campus nearly bearfoot for around 15 minutes. I knowingly ignored their attempts to call me. I couldn't think straight. Eventually, when I tired myself out, and I headed back, I only felt guilt, like I had drawn too much attention to myself for no good reason, and had made two people upset for no good reason. It didn't change anything; they certainly didn't get any better with their behavior, and I had to endure many more nights of listening to them play video games. I'm still not sure what to think of that moment.
Believe me, I want to be criticized. I reflect more on life than you might think. No one is harder on me than myself. Now that I've thoroughly poisoned your mind, and maybe even tricked you into thinking of me positively, I want to ruin that. I figure, while I'm here getting some of my most closely kept secrets onto paper for the world to see, why stop there at just the ones that will make people feel bad for me. I am a terrible person! I don't deserve kind words. I mean that honestly, I'm not saying this in the depressing sort of way, I mean it genuinely. I AM A BAD PERSON. PLEASE REMIND ME OF THIS MORE OFTEN.
To really hammer this point on, I want to list out some of the most embarrassing and cringe worthy things that I've holding in. Complete open book here. I have plenty that keeps me up at night, so really I'm hoping that I can at least get a good night sleep out of this. Please use the following list to harass and bully me. I might even loose some friends here. I warned you of this impending crash out, so here it is. And as a reminder: I AM A BAD PERSON!!!
Okay it's pretty late so I'll call it there. I will certainly, without a doubt, regret this post. The irony is that I started writing this hoping that it would help me fall asleep tonight, but I don't think that will be the cast. Although I am debating hold off on posting this until I know my friends are asleep. Gotta delay the repercussions of my actions for as long as possible. Sorry for those affected. I don't expect an apology. If you want one from me, just say so. And just in case anyone missed it:
Thank you for your time.
Jackson (May 3, 2025, 4:26 a.m.)
It seems someone deleted the webhook. Not sure if that's a good thing, I was sort of counting on people reading this one. In any case, it will likely stay this way. I am lazy.
Jackson (May 3, 2025, 4:27 a.m.)
Nevermind, just posts don't work I guess.
Jackson (May 10, 2025, 7:27 p.m.)
I'm turning the webhook off for now. Going back to shouting into the void.
Jackson (May 11, 2025, 1:21 a.m.)
I've been thinking a lot about this post for the last several days. The tragic dilemma of making a statement like this is that it is, in nature, hypocritical. I want my words to be taken earnestly, of course, but subconsciously there's a certain unavoidable influence which stains the sincerity of my words. I think that, despite my explicit say so otherwise, this post may have been somewhat selfish of me. Yes, my intentions were to invite people to criticize me, but I doubt my words would have actually had that effect. Given that the first and second sections of this post were a sorry attempt at explaining what I viewed as the causes behind my actions, and that I went about this in a way that, although not deliberately, almost certainly would have garnered sympathy from those reading it, this necessarily weakens the third part of the post, which is where I hide my purpose for this post as a whole.
In short, I (unintentionally) hide behind a shield of self righteousness, putting on some facade pretending that I want criticism yet simultaneously make it difficult for anyone to actually deliver on that request. Even now I am masquerading, claiming that this was all an accident. While I do honestly believe that, my word is not good enough in this instance. The dilemma then is how do I legitimately go about this goal? The invitation seems to deflect criticism, but if I don't explicitly grant everyone the authority to make those criticisms then how can I guarantee that they'll be made? I suppose it all comes down to the language that I use. It is my responsibility to foster an environment which allows for easy critique of my character. I don't believe I accomplished that with this post. I admit that this was originally written mostly out of frustration and suppressed emotions and a desire to release those feelings. Perhaps the transparency I convey here is the closest I can get to achieving my initial goal.
Again, this is a contradiction. Criticism is typically made out of anger or frustration. Those who cast it must want the thing which they are criticizing to change in some way, which itself conceals an implication that the thing which is being criticized possesses some resistance to that criticism. In other words, it is easier to criticize people who are stubborn or ignorant than those who invite it. The mere act of invitation suggest that the person involved already possesses the capacity for improvement, thus making the necessity of action obsolete. This is the case at least when it comes to criticizing people close to you, which is certainly the case here.
Basically, it is ultimately the opinion of anyone who reads this which determines whether I am right or not. This is just my attempt at reading other people's minds. I'm not sure if any of this made any sense, and honestly I'm just gonna send this one without proofreading it. I am lazy.